Entering a new school has always gotten the better of me since I was young. Thinking about it, this is my fourth time transferring schools since middle school and it just never gets easier. I woke up today at five starting my morning by taking a shower, changing into a clean pair of clothes, shuffling around my room before I decided that I didn't like the clothes I was wearing and. I changed once more. I needed to wear something comfortable and after some time my mom came to check on me. It's unbelievably difficult to start school halfway through the year when I was barely adjusting to my last school even though I had already been attending for a year. I sat on my bed feeling my heart pounding against my chest and my throat felt tight.

I knew I was already having anxiety trying to make myself feel ready and not let this pressure get to me, but it was so difficult to focus while my chest felt so heavy. Not until the day is over, I can return to my room to cry over this feeling I am having and just relieve the stress that I’ve put in my body. These past four years have become a struggle whenever I leave the house and I know it’s been difficult for my mother to deal with me now that I’m living with her. There were times that it would take me five days to just talk to a teacher, two weeks to try to speak with my classmates, and a month to even sit with them during lunch. The only reason it’s been so difficult now is that I can’t handle people being so close to me and it’s so difficult to explain it to people because they just don’t understand these challenges that they never went through or experienced.

During the summer, after my freshman year, I developed a disorder that the doctor called haphephobia; when I was released from the hospital almost two years ago I noticed that it had gotten worse even after treatments and my mother began to grow concerned about my behavior. I knew it got worse when my cousin reached out to hug me when I visited my relatives during winter vacation two months ago and I couldn't let him near me being left alone with him. I pushed him away from me without thinking because in my mind I was terrified and he hit his head against the wall after losing balance. Soon after I couldn't let a stranger shake hands with me and I was afraid how I would react with anyone near me in any circumstances. How is it that when I feel their skin touching my own it’ll give me this burning sensation like I’m on fire and I just can’t bear it when that feeling lingers.

I'm a sixteen-year-old teenage boy who completely hates to be touched, has social anxiety, and to top it off all I wanted to do was to live a normal life as quietly as I could while also afraid. Living this way has grown so exhausting with every single day passing that I didn't want my mom to worry about me just for today and I'm going to try to push myself more because I feel like I have to. I’ve become unfamiliar with my own body and I could just hope that someday I wouldn't have to be disgusted being by someone or with myself. Could there be a much simpler way to grasp a normal life without being triggered or find a way that would help me stop myself from these habits that I’ve created to cope through the day?

I needed a coping mechanism to help distant me when I approach something that I have a difficult time dealing with and the one I developed recently is by pinching my arm which I should stop doing because I’ll wound up bruising my arms. I also have a rubber band around my wrist, but with my mind unfocused I realized that I’ve already left a bruise on my arm and it’ll most likely show more by the end of the day. It was seven now so I finally stepped out of my room and made my way to the living room to look for my backpack wanting to make sure that I have everything that I’ll need. My mind was racing from one thought to another; from wondering how I’ll last throughout the day to how will I be able to go through all my classes without panicking. I only want to have an easy first day.

“Are you hungry?” I heard my mom ask from the kitchen.

“No,” I answered, reaching for my black backpack and opening it.

I had to double-check everything was still inside from the notebooks to the new pens my mom bought and made sure I wasn't forgetting anything else.

“Hun, you didn't eat dinner last night. You have to be hungry. Eat something small.” She said as she came to check on me.

“I'm not hungry. I'm nervous and I can’t think about anything else right now.” I said, closing my bag and turned to her. “I've been thinking about this new school all night and since I woke up I’ve been feeling anxious.”

“You can skip school if you want to and let them know that you're sick.” She suggested.

I wish I was sick.

“Mom, that's not going to help and you know that I'll still feel like this tomorrow as well; until I go to school,” I tell her.

“I told your principal about your haphephobia. She was very understanding about it and said that she would try to make it comfortable for you as best as she could.” She said, taking a seat on the couch beside me. “Maybe this year will be good for you.”

“Don't give me this false hope, Mom. I'll just try my best today. My top goal is to step inside all my classrooms and come home to sleep… We should head out now.” I said with a sigh.

“Now? The school doesn't start for another hour.” She said as she saw me put on my shoes.

“That's a good enough time for me to enter the school and find my class,” I said, taking a deep breath and debate about putting on my jacket. “I'm trying, Mom.”

She gave me a small smile reaching out to hold my hand; she’s the only one I was comfortable enough to allow to touch me. “I know and I'm proud of you.”

We left the house after a while because my mom was trying to shove a few fruits into my bag and a homemade sandwich that she had prepared in case I was hungry. I regretted not bringing my jacket because it was still cold outside with the February winter air and in this new town that we moved to was a lot colder considering we live near the ocean by a few miles. I was calculating everything; it’s a ten-minute drive to my school, three minutes for me to step out of her car to stare up at my school, and another fifteen minutes for me to walk through the front gate. The pounding on my chest grows louder as we went through the main office for them to give me a print out of my class schedule and once we were done she turned to me knowing that this is where we part-ways.

“You're going to be okay.” She said trying to calm me and was patting down my short curly hair.

“I feel like throwing up,” I whispered as I pinched my arm again.

“You know your old therapist said to find another way to relieve your stress.” She said as she watched me and reached a hand out to stop me.

“I know. Sorry.” I said as I put my hands in my pockets. “Okay, I'm going.”

“Want me to pick you up?” She asked before I turned around.

“Can you?”

She smiled softly, “Of course. I'll be here; the same place as I parked the car.”

I nod my head as I try to smile back at her then turn away pressing my lips together exiting the office building and trying to prove to myself that I can do this. I tried not to pinch my arm again because it was starting to sting now and walked towards a building while looking at the schedule. It took some time to figure out if I entered the right building as I started folding the paper, wrinkling in my hands, and it took me a couple of minutes to find my classroom. I stopped a few feet away from the door feeling uncertain about walking into a room knowing that I’m in a new territory. I crouch down wrapping my arms around my legs and covering my face as I take a deep breath hoping that I’ll calm me. In the corner of my eyes a teenager, a classmate, steps out of the room and walks over towards me, but I tried to ignore him. I was starting to feel frustrated with myself and at the same time, I was getting a bit anxious that the person was still standing beside me making me feel like I’m being watched. He sat down next to me and was quiet as if he was keeping me company.

“You want to go to the restroom?” He finally spoke.

I shook my head and finally looked up, wiping my face with the sleeve of my long sleeve shirt.

“Can you leave me alone,” I mumbled

“How about we step outside? We can sit somewhere.” He suggested next.

I glanced over at him and saw that he was wearing a name badge on his shirt. “Who are you?”

He smiled, showing a small dimple only on his left cheek. “I'm the student-teacher aid. It's my senior elective.” He explained.

I looked at him seeing someone who is a complete opposite of me by looks and body. A dirty short blonde while I had dark curly hair; his eyes were light brown shade; he was far more built compared to me who feels so scrawny and short. Turning away feeling shy, wondering if I starred a little too long than I had meant to and hoped that he didn’t notice. Honestly, a lot of people could have a better body built compared to me since I never took care of my health and have a very low appetite.

“Are you allowed to step out like that?” I asked him, now that I’ve calmed down a little.

“Not really... but I guess for you they'll allow it and the teacher was curious if you needed some help.” He said and his smile fades a bit. “My name’s Elliot. Elliot Thompson.”

“Michael Hernandez.” I introduced myself but I'm sure he already knew my name. I stood up to step away from the door before turning back to him. “What did they say about me?”

Elliot looked like he hesitated for a second before standing up as well and stood there. “Just about your condition... that you might not be too open to the class for a while and to make sure you're comfortable with the distance between the students. We're still a little confused about how to be around you…” He said, rubbed the back of his neck.

“It's fine. I'm not planning to be that interactive this semester…” I said then glanced over at him. “I don't want to go in yet.”

“That's fine. I'll go in with you when you're ready.” He said, watching me. “So how long have you had this condition?”

I glanced over at him and tapped the floor with the end of my show, “Almost two years, I think. It kind of built up to it a few years before that.”

I wasn't too comfortable discussing my haphephobia or my disorder that I’ve been dealing with but I can answer a few basic questions about it since a lot of people are always curious and I knew I should share some information.

He nods as he thinks about my answer and slowly holds his hand out towards me. “Let's be friends? I'll help you as much as you want to let me and I’m very patient so you don't have to worry if you think I'm bothered or anything.” He tells me. “I took AP psychology last year and I’ve been studying independently... Not that I think you're a test subject or anything of it but I just wish I can help you if you need help.”

I looked at his hands before slowly reaching out to shake it and felt a little annoyed by his introduction. “You do know that that sounded kind of rude... And a simple handshake doesn't always frighten me.”

He quickly let go of my hand after I touched it and blushed, “Sorry, I kind of realized that as well too after I said it... I didn't mean it like that.”

“It's fine. I know what you're trying to say. It’s great that you take psychology seriously, but I think I could use a friend more than feel like you're my therapist.” I said, clutched my hands into a fist, and looked over at the door that's still open.

“She's going to always leave that door open for you in case you feel closed off in the classroom or if you ever feel uncomfortable in the classroom.” He explained. “We weren't too sure if you were comfortable with opening doors either way.”

I pressed my lips together trying to breathe through my nose as I listened then slowly walked towards the door. “I would rather be the last person to leave the room right now and I don’t do so well in crowds. Where am I going to sit?”

“We have two empty seats to choose from: one in the back of the room and the other is in the front right next to the teacher desk.” He said walking beside me.

I thought about this for a second: the back sounds safe yet I have to walk past people every morning and it'll be a hassle to walk around everyone while I can just easily enter the classroom to sit right away but once the class is over everyone has to walk past me. The thought of people hovering over me gave me an overwhelming feeling. It made me feel sick or the stress on my body was now overwhelming me, but I wanted to change this school year and not pick the easy way out to just simply deal with it without making myself better. I took a deep breath walking to the door, being able to see the teacher writing on the whiteboard and she saw me standing there. She smiled softly, trying to welcome me in, and I glanced back at Elliot wanting to make sure that he was coming in with me. I can do this, I tell myself repeatedly. I entered keeping my head down and walked over to the front desk that Elliot told me about. It was in the far left corner of the room and it didn't seem that bad to sit at, but walking towards it felt so long and that all I felt was pounding against my chest. Elliot followed right behind me as if he was attached to me and grabbed a spare chair to move it nearby me.

“See, it's okay.” He whispers as he watches me and I heard the teacher continuing her lesson.

“It's not,” I told him as I still kept my head down trying to calm myself.

I wanted to focus on the lecture but my mind was still somewhere else. I covered my face as I’m leaning against my arm on the table and tried to take deep breaths. I was able to hear a pause in the lecture, maybe they were watching me cautiously, and a few people mumbling the teacher continued with her lesson. Maybe they’re waiting for a reaction from me because of the way my body language shouts discomfort and possibly they were unsure of what to do if I had an outburst.

“You want to go back to the hall?” Elliot whispers.

I shook my head, but I do want to leave the room and leave the school to crawl back to my bed where it was safe. Running back towards the hallway where it was empty, where there wasn't a room full of people staring at you like they didn't know how to handle you, and hoping to remove these thoughts of hands scratching deep in my throat because you're starting to feel isolated. My whole body tensed up as I felt this heavy feeling drop in the pit of my stomach that I knew what was going to come next. It was my nerves finally coming at me after having it all balled up after waking up this morning.

“I'm going to throw up.” I mumbled.

“What?” Elliot asked as he leaned in closer to hear me better.

“I need to go,” I said, covering my mouth as I stood up to run back out of the hall.

Everything was blurry as I returned to the comfort of the empty hall and Elliot suddenly came in front of me with a trash can in his hands. I took it as I instantly vomited inside it while trying to be quiet about it and the last thing I needed was for the class to hear me throwing up as I humiliated myself even more. I felt Elliot tug at my long sleeve signaling me to follow and I did after I was done. He led me down the hall to the restroom and held the door open for me. I was breathing heavily as I still gripped the trash can waiting to see if there was anything else for me to vomit; which wasn’t too much since I haven’t had a full meal since yesterday afternoon. Elliot turned the water for me so I could wash and I let the water splash my face hoping that the cool feeling can help ease me.

“I can't go back there… I shouldn't have gone inside.” I told him as I reached for a paper towel to wipe my face.

“What was so bad that it made you sick?” He asked, confused.

“They were staring. I felt them all staring at me and it felt suffocating because I’m trying to not let my mind feel like the walls were closing in on me.” I try to explain with my voice rising a little as I’m feeling my anxiety spilling out and I clutched my hands together. “I just want everything to stop.”

"Michael, breathe slowly,” Elliot said, reaching out to grab my shoulder because I was already shaking.

When I saw his hand coming towards me I could only pull myself away from him and stumbled a little trying to catch myself. “Don't touch me!”

Elliot raised his hands to show that they weren't near me taking a step back seeing my hostile reaction. “I won't. I'm sorry.”

I slowly kneeled down towards the dirty floor as I tried to fight off my tears. "Just not right now.”

Elliot watched me as I quietly cried for a couple of minutes while we both didn't say anything and it was just silence between us. It took me a couple of minutes to finally calm down but he kept his distance from me until we heard a small knock on the door and Elliot glanced over at me before stepping out leaving me alone. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt and Elliot came back standing slightly at the doorway like he was worried that he might overstep my boundaries again.

“Do you want them to call your mom?” He asked.

I thought about this for a second before nodding deciding that I couldn’t stay for the rest of the day. “Yeah, I want to go home,” I answered.

Elliot left again after hearing my response and after some time he came back. “They said I should stay with you until she arrives.” He tells me as he cautiously stands by the door.

I nod as I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

We were quiet again before Elliot spoke. “What was going through your mind?" He asked me curiously. “You sat down for a second and that made you sick.”

I shook my head as I tried to find the words to explain before I finally turned to him. “The things I feel... Everyone…” I tried to say before giving up and tried to find a new way to explain it. “You know that feeling when you don’t know how to swim and you feel the floor beneath you until suddenly it's gone. That comfort feeling that you can stand suddenly feels like you're drowning and you can’t breathe anymore because you're beginning to panic as if your throat is being squeezed making it hard for you to breathe. It feels like no one is going to save you…” I tell him. “And you see their hands wanting to help you but your eyes only see them as pushing you down deeper into the shallow water…”

After I said those words it was quiet again between us and I wiped away my tears.

“I don’t know if that makes sense… Maybe I didn’t explain it well.” I said as I turned away from him and I rubbed my forehead feeling a headache. “I'm so tired of it.”

“Michael…” Elliot opened his mouth before closing it like he didn't know what else to say.

“You don't have to pretend to be my friend anymore. It's obvious that you're only watching over me because they asked you.” I tell him.

“I wasn't pretending. I meant it when I said that I want to be friends.” He said, quickly. “I just didn't know that that's how you felt... the fact that you've been struggling like that for so long…”

“Yeah, struggling for what? I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. How long am I going to let myself be trapped like this?” I told him, feeling angry now. “Do you know how horrible I feel hearing my mom cry every time I have an episode like today. I hate seeing her struggle as much as I hate myself.”

Elliot reached out to me before he slowly lowered his hands. “You can't say that about yourself,” he says.

“Why not? It's true. And please don't start with the whole ‘you can get past this’, ‘you'll get better’. All of that is bullshit.” I tell him.

“Michael,” Elliot called my name, sounding a little disappointed.

“What? I've heard it so many times. I tried getting help but nothing works and I'm so sick of those therapists acting like they know my struggle.” I said as I felt my face growing hot with anger. "They don't. How can they even know what I'm going through if you don't understand it.”

“Michael, what happened to you that made you like this?” Elliot asked as he reached his hand out again and slowly held my arm.

I froze as I looked at his hand. “Let go," I said quietly before I tried to shake my arm out of his hold. “Let go of me.”

“You can tell me and maybe I can help,” he asked as he kept his hold on me.

“Stop! Please, let go.” I said with my voice rising, and I still try to fight against his hold.

“Not until you calmed down.” He retorts.

I felt my chest tighten as I pulled my arm away with my whole body before feeling out of breath again. “No! Don't touch me!" I said, beginning to yell. “Stop!”

With the last strength that I had in me, I pulled my arm out of his hold and I stumbled back falling to the ground backing away from him; afraid that he'd grab me again. The door swung open as Ms. Lang entered to see the commotion and it must not have been a good sight to see because she had a furious expression as she looked from me to Elliot. She asked Elliot to step out and left me alone until my mom arrived. It took me a couple of minutes to step out of the bathroom and to walk down the hall avoiding anyone’s gaze. After finally stepping out of the school grounds and sitting comfortably in my mom's car; I finally let myself cry again. I cried as my mom wrapped her arms around me and I know that I didn’t do my best as I wanted.

“I'm sorry.” I finally said between tears as she let go of my head.

“Honey, you don't need to apologize,” she tells me.

“But I wanted to do this. I wanted to go in and have a normal day, but I couldn't.” I said between tears. “Why can't I do this?”

My mother shook her head as she brushed her fingers over my cheeks to wipe my tears. “The world out there isn't as dangerous as it was before. I wish you could see that someday,” she tells me, softly. “You just need to find a way to accept everything that's happened to you.”

I shook my head, “I don't think I can. How can I when I remember everything that happened? I relive it every day.”

I can hear my mom beginning to cry and I hugged her this time. “I'm sorry.”

“It's not your fault,” I tell her.

“But I wasn't there for you. I left and have all that happened to you,” she said between tears. “Mom, you're here now. I don't blame you for any of this. I forgive you.” I told her and I know deep down I had blamed her, but not for what happened that changed me.

During the drive home, it was silent as Mom had nothing else to say and I didn’t want to talk more about what happened. I was exhausted so I went to lay down on my bed after coming home and I closed my eyes hoping to fall asleep. I just want this day to end, but I don't want tomorrow to begin. I don't want to start a new day or even try going to school either. Elliot was only trying to help yet he did everything that I couldn't handle, but I don't blame him either. I want to blame him, but it wasn’t exactly his fault because he doesn’t know what escalated my anxiety. I sighed as I got up walking to the restroom and closed the door behind me as I played some music from my phone while I leaned over the counter. I looked at myself in the mirror before opening the cabinet taking out a bag that hid a small blade and I sat down on the toilet as I took a few breaths starring it. I haven't cut myself for almost a year and there have been a few times where I sat down with the blade in my hand and remind myself that I stopped after moving in with my mom, but I couldn't stop right away at first so I left some scars on my thighs instead; where she can't see it.

I couldn't bring myself to stop until one day she found the blade and her reaction was what stopped me completely. I sigh heavily, finally putting the blade back in the bag and I knew at some point I would have to throw it away so I wouldn’t be tempted. I washed my face before returning to my room to lay down on my bed trying to drift off to sleep. I skipped school the next day, I didn't even bother getting out of bed when my mom knocked on the door and saw I wasn’t getting myself ready. Why should I go back after what happened; after I embarrassed myself; after I reminded myself that I am not normal.

“Honey, I'm home.” My mother knocked on my door again in the evening after getting home from work. “I'm going to make dinner... Are you hungry?”

It took me a second to speak, feeling a bit dazed since I slept more than half the day. “No. I ate earlier.” I lied.

There was a long silence before she spoke again. “Okay, but I'll leave you a plate in the microwave if you get hungry later.” She tells me.

“Alright,” I replied as I closed my eyes.

“Are you going to school tomorrow?” She asked.

“Can I not?” I said opening my eyes to look at the clock on my bed-stand table reading five o'clock in the evening.

“You have to eventually, dear.” She answered. “You can't stay in your room like this. You have to try and go back. Go, study, and learn.”

I pulled the covers over my shoulders. “Mom…” I called.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” I said as loudly as I could so she can hear.

"I love you too, honey." She replied.

I closed my eyes and I fell asleep soon after. I’ve slept for hours and I know that I’ve only been sleeping to avoid everything but by the time I woke up it was only six in the morning. I can hear movement outside and know that my mom was getting ready for work. I sat up as I ran my fingers through my hair when I heard her pause for a second and I wondered if she heard me, but she didn't come near my door. I got up, finally deciding that I should try to go to school today. I had to try for my mom. I waited until she left to step out of my room and grabbed something to drink when I saw she left a note on the fridge saying that it was fine if I couldn't go to school, but I know she would rather I do. I washed the dishes after I ate then went back to my room to grab my clean pair of clothes and took a long shower.

I had to make myself feel like I can do this because if I don't then I will never make it out of the house or even out of the door. It was past seven-thirty and I had to leave now or I’ll be running late, but I've been standing in front of the door for twenty minutes. I don't know what happened, but I can't bring myself to leave and I believed that I was ready. I sighed as I kneeled at the ground, stared at the door and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. I prepared myself. I got out of bed, showered, put on fresh clothes, and I even tried to eat what my mom made me. But in the end, my mind is screaming that if I step out I might have another episode. What would happen if I can't enter the classroom again? Or if Elliot is there?

What am I going to say to him? Would I be able to face him as well? What about the rest of the day? If I can't enter my first period, how can I be able to go to my other classes without being afraid of talking in front of the class, having to introduce myself to people I don't even know, again and again. They would think I'm a freak because I don't want them to shake my hand or when I look away because I can't make eye contact with them. I began to cry as I’m calling myself pathetic for being afraid of something so simple. I promised myself. It was already eight and the school had already started.

I let my backpack fall on the floor as I finally gave up and I sat there trying to calm myself when suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. I used the end of my sleeve to wipe my face and try to compose myself as I opened the door wondering who it could be. I froze when I saw Elliot standing there and for a second I wasn’t too sure if it was him. He looked nervous when he saw me, but gave me a small smile as if he was happy to see me and I wasn’t too sure if I was.

“What are you doing here?” I asked instantly.

Elliot seemed a little surprised by my reaction and cleared his throat. “I wanted to check in on you.” He answered. “You didn't come yesterday and I had a feeling you wouldn't go today.” He tells me.

“And how did you get my address?”

“I asked in the front office since I have some worksheets to give you to catch up on the class.” He said as he took out a packet from his backpack. “I put in some notes to help you.”

I stood there for a second as I looked at him before taking it and shaking my head. “I can't go back,” I tell him and feel myself wanting to cry again. “I tried today. I did.”

“Hey…” He said, reaching his hand out to me but I took a step back and he pulled his hand away. “I'm sorry.”

It was silent between us for a minute and I decided to speak first. “You're going to be late for school.” I remind him.

“I'm not going today.” He tells me. “As I said, I wanted to check on you. I'm sorry about what happened.”

“You don't have to apologize. It was all my fault.” I told him as I took a couple of steps back to let him come in but I kept my distance between us. “Um, you should come in.”

“It wasn't your fault.” He said as he closed the door and moved to sit on the couch. “I shouldn't have pushed you the way I did back there after you told me not to touch you. I didn't know that your condition was that severe or if I had known that you would react like that you have every right to hate me.”

I looked down as I listened and I pressed my lips together as I tried to find the words to say. “But you don't know me and you don’t know about my condition so you don’t know what my limits are. I told you that I couldn't do it. I couldn't even go today.” I said as I covered my face. "I hate this. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’ve gotten worse.”

Elliot rubbed his hands across his lap and took a deep breath. “I’m still sorry… Blame it all on me if that makes you feel better. Please, the way you looked at me after what happened in the restroom, I don't want you to ever have to look at someone like that again.”

“Like what?" I asked him; even though I knew the answer.

“You looked at me with disgust.” He said and he turned to look at me. “And I honestly felt disgusted with myself as well afterward.”

“Why?"

“Because I was trying to force you to say something that you aren't ready to talk about and I’m just a stranger so I shouldn’t have been asking.” He explained. "I hope you can trust me again and if I'm stepping on that boundary again then push me, tell me to stop and I will."

I covered my face as I listened to him and I didn't know what to say but maybe I was still emotionally exhausted. He stayed silent as he watched me cry. I don't know how long it stayed that way, but it felt like the familiar comfort that my mom makes me feel when she lets me express myself when I’m not feeling well. How she lets me show that nasty side of myself that I try to hide every day.

“I'm so tired of this.” I finally said feeling exhausted.

“What do you mean?” Elliot asked and I shook my head not wanting to look at him.

“I want to trust you. I would like to trust you since you took the time to come to visit me, but I just have a hard time trusting people and knowing how to be around them. There isn't anyone that I trust besides my mom and I'm starting to shut her out.” I said as I finally got up and moved to sit on the other couch across from him. “I've been dealing with this for so many years. People scare me because I don't know what they'll do. What will they think once they find out how much of a freak I am? Everyone is always on eggshells around me.”

Elliot presses his lips together before sighing. “Then give me time. I'll try harder and soon you can call me a friend. I hope you'll trust me and I can be there for you when you need it.” He said as he looked up at me.

I covered my face with my hand and it was quiet again until I turned to him. “Can you... can you help me go to school tomorrow?” I asked him.

Elliot smiles and nods, “Yeah, I'll give you a ride in my car. Every day if you need me to.” He said.

I chuckled quietly. “Let’s just try it out at least once,” I said before my smile faded as I cleared my throat. “Just don’t touch me when I say not to… I don’t like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He replied as we both remembered the event from yesterday. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you see a therapist?”

I shook my head, “Not anymore. My insurance couldn’t cover it which is why we moved here… my mom got a job that offers her insurance and it’ll be able to cover for it if I want to continue with it.” I answered and rubbed the back of my neck. “But I didn’t see it helping me when I was going.”

“Don’t take it the wrong way, Michael, but I think you should reconsider that.” He said, taking a quick glance over at me as if embarrassed to suggest it.

I sigh as I shrugged my shoulders, “I know. It feels like it’s getting worse, but I’m just not sure.” I agreed, but I wasn’t planning on seeing one just yet until I get comfortable in school.

There was a long silence as we sat there and I tried to figure out what I wanted to say before I glanced over at him. I want to trust Elliot, he wants me to, and so far he is all I have to call as a friend at this moment. I glanced at my bedroom as I thought about a few things before I slowly moved to stand up and turned to him.

“You said to trust you right?” I asked him.

“Yes.” He answered.

“I want to give you something to show that I trust you, but I want you to get rid of it and without questions,” I said as I hesitated and my fingers were fidgeting as I tried not to feel nervous. “It’s just something that I have and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”

Elliot shifted slightly and nodded after a second. “Sure. Take it and get rid of it.” He repeated. “What is it?”

I hesitated before walking to the restroom to grab the bag and I paused before coming back to the living room. It was a surprise that I decided to do this, but I reminded myself that I wanted to do better and I wanted to trust him as well. Maybe this was the effort that I can do on my own or with help. I slowly walked over to him and handed him the razor before I regret doing it. Elliot stared at the blade confused before turning to me looking lost for words now understanding what it is and I shook my head.

“Just get rid of it,” I tell him again. “Please.”

“Okay.” He said as he safely put it away in his bag.

I took a deep breath and tried to find the words to say next as I sat down again. “I don’t… I don’t do that anymore if you're curious. When I want to relapse I only just hold it as a way to distract myself but there are times where I want to do it and if I keep having it here it’ll just convince me to continue to harm myself.”

I can tell Elliot was still confused so I continued. “I haven’t done it for a year and I don’t want my mom to see me like that. She can barely handle me now and I’ve been in worse states that I can’t be handled.” I tell him and I look down at my hands. “I’m only telling you because I want to trust you. I want to be normal and do things that everyone can do.”

“You are normal. You just had something bad happen that you haven’t been able to recover from. Whatever that has happened to you was something you didn’t have control over and no one to help support you I’m sure of .” Elliot tells me and moves to sit beside me. “If you had proper care then you would have been better by now.”

I held my breath for a second before nodding, “I know.” I said feeling like he knew the words I wanted to hear.

“But at least you have support now, right?”

I nod, “Yeah, I think so.” I answered and took another deep breath. “Thank you.”

It was silence between us, again, as we didn't have anything else to say before Elliot got up and turned to me, “Come on.” he said as he pulled out his car keys from his pocket.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood up to follow him.

“Just to get some fresh air,” he said as he opened the door and I locked it behind me.

We walked towards his car and we began to head out once I buckled myself in. I didn't mind not knowing where we were going, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was even interested in wanting to go anywhere since I still didn’t know the area. I sighed as I looked out the window and realized that we came to a park after he pulled into the parking lot. We got out when he parked and I zipped up my jacket as I felt the cool breeze once stepping outside. Honestly, it was refreshing feeling being outside after I’ve kept myself in my room and getting a little bit of sun.

“I haven't gone to the park for a while…” I said as we walked over to an empty picnic table and sat down.

“Well, it'll be a nice outing and maybe we can get lunch before taking you back home,” Elliot said as he sat down across from me.

It got quiet between us again and I had to look away to distract myself as I tried to figure out what to say. What am I supposed to say? I don’t know how to hold a conversation and I’m sure anything that I say would just come out gloomy.

“So, I honestly know how it feels to be distant with people and to struggle. I’ve had my own share of trauma as well after my dad died when I was seven years old.” Elliot said, bringing my attention back to him.

“I'm sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“It's okay. This happened years ago. It took me a while to get over it since I was young and it kind of hurt my mom, but it wasn't an accident that killed him. He committed suicide.” He sighed heavily as he looked down at the table. “He was diagnosed with depression and he had a hard time holding a job. My mom didn't know what to do because he would have episodes and she decided to leave him for my safety.”

I listened as I sat there picking at the end of my jacket.

“He thought he would never see us, me, again so he took a couple of pills and never woke up.” He said as he turned to look at me and straighten up a bit as he inhaled. “Don't take it the wrong way, but yesterday in the bathroom you reminded me of my dad and it made me wonder how he must have felt or what he went through.”

I pressed my lips together as I processed this before looking up at him. “It wasn't your fault about what happened to your dad,” I tell him.

“I know, but I also didn't make it better for how I behaved yesterday,” he said. “I felt like shit after you left and I thought to myself: how can I be so stupid to think I can help you when I don't even know you or know what you have been through that you don't want to be touched.”

It got silent again and I can feel the breeze brushing against my hair.

“I know that you're not like my dad and I don’t know what you went through, but handing me that blade made me wish my dad could have given someone those pills too,” he said after a second of silence. “So thank you, again, for trusting me.”

I nod as I tried to figure out what to say after hearing that. “I want to trust you because of all that we’ve talked about so far, but you shouldn't feel like you have to protect me either if we continue to hang around,” I tell him. “I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, but if we're friends then you might see me act out again and I don't want that to always be upsetting you. I get annoyed with myself when I’m like that too.”

Elliot looked at me and smiled softly, “But wouldn't it be better to have a friend dealing with you instead of being alone?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, “I haven't had a real friend for a while so I don’t know. Everyone in my old school was always nice and helped me out, but they never bothered taking the time to hang out with me outside of the classroom. I don't even know how to be a friend, honestly.”

“It’s okay. We’re still learning about each other and that’s pretty much how it goes with making friends.” He answered. “Is that fine?”

I nod as I take a deep breath and turn away. “Yeah,” I said and I tried to distract myself by looking around the park.

“Do you want to go already?” He asks.

“Yeah,” I answered shortly.

We got up headed our way back to the car and I wanted to stay outside a little longer, but at the same time, I just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home. The trip back was silent but I think that's because we're still trying to get used to each other and finding out how we can be with each other without making things uncomfortable or awkward. I can tell he's trying and somewhere inside me felt a little happy because I never had a friend that wanted to get to know me. Once arriving at the house, I got out of the car and fixed my jacket before turning back to him. He was about to get out of the car but I put up my hands to stop him. He doesn't have to follow me everywhere.

“I'll see you tomorrow?” he asked.

I nod, “Yeah.” I answered.

“Seven on the dot. Be out here or I'll be knocking at your door,” he said, smiling.

I know he was joking but imagine him trying to pull me out of the house was giving me a tight feeling on my chest. “Okay.” was all I can say.

Elliot must have noticed my hesitant response and paused for a second. “I'm not going to force you to go to school, Michael. I didn't mean it like that,” he said.

I shook my head, “I know... I know.” I said and tried to give him a small smile. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

He nods, “Tomorrow.” he said.

I made my way to the door and saw that Elliot was there waiting until he saw me unlock the door before driving off. I walked inside, exhaled heavily, as I moved to sit down on the couch and kicked off my shoes. Why did today feel like it was so long when I didn’t do anything? Maybe I was a little stressed out from earlier and the long conversation we had. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine how it would be tomorrow, but I realized that it would only make me feel nervous so I got up and began cleaning. We still have things in boxes so I started emptying them out and washed the dishes that were wrapped up with newspapers. This occupied my mind for about two hours until my mom came home and she began to cook dinner.

“Thank you for helping, baby,” she said smiling as she saw me folding the empty boxes.

“No problem,” I answered before looking at the old family photo that I took out from the last box.

Mom glanced over at the photo before turning to me. “Do you want to keep that?” she asks.

“Sure. I don't think I have a picture with all of us.” I said as I sat down at the dining table still admiring the photo. “Dad looks a little younger here compared to how he looks now,” I say before turning to her. “Are you still mad at him?”

She sighed as she continued on cooking before turning to face me. “Of course I am. I know I wasn’t involved enough, but I trusted him.”

“Dad didn't know...” I mumbled.

“But how could he not see? How could he not have noticed his own son was hurt?” she said, shaking her head.

I took a deep breath before getting up and wrapped my arms around her. “Mom, I forgave you for leaving, but you also have to forgive him as well,” I tell her.

She held me tighter and smiled. “So now you're giving me the advice?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, breaking into a smile.

She looked at me and smiled softly, “I love you.” she tells me.

“I love you too, mom,” I replied back.

I woke up around five-thirty in the morning and slowly got out of bed to grab some clean clothes trying to find something comfortable to wear. I felt a little calmer compared to two days ago, but that anxiety is still there when I think about my day and I'm trying hard to not freak out just yet. I tried taking deep breaths as I’m getting myself ready and during that time I’m playing with the rubber band on my wrist trying to calm myself down a bit. Mom left me breakfast on the stove before leaving to work and I was standing at the door after I ate. It's only been a couple of minutes before seven and I checked my backpack to see if I had everything; checked if I had my house keys in my pocket and double-checked if I turned off the lights in my room. I finally stepped outside and made my way when I saw Elliot already there.

“How long have you been waiting?” I asked.

He shrugged his shoulders, “Five minutes, maybe.” he said before smiling. “I'm glad you decided to come to school today.”

I sighed as I got inside his car and put my backpack in the back seat. “Don't remind me. I'm trying to not freak out.” I told him as I closed my eyes and lay my head back on the headrest.

I can hear him chuckle as he turned on his car and began to drive. “It's okay. Just relax and I'll be there,” he said as if he was the solution for all my problems.

It was quiet for the rest of the ride, which was relaxing, and when he parked Elliot turned to me. “Alright. So we'll just walk inside the building, go to the door, and when you're ready we go in,” he tells me. “I'll be there and I'll be sitting next to you, but remember, I'm only there for the first period and I'll be seeing you again in PE.”

I took a deep breath. “Right,” I said like it's that simple.

“Do you want me to write down my classrooms just in case you ever want to find me?” he asked.

I felt my face blush as I nod, “Yeah, please. Just in case.” I answered and I watched him reaching for a piece of paper in his backpack.

I took it once he was down writing it and shoved it in my pocket glancing at the school building. There were people already walking up to the building and I began to play around with my rubber band as a distraction.

Elliot watched me before slowly reaching a hand out to place on top of mine. “Michael, it's okay,” he said.

I turned to him and took a deep breath before nodding. “I know.” I finally answered and he removed his hand.

We got out of the car and began heading inside the school grounds. Elliot was beside me as we made our way to the second floor until we finally reached the door to the classroom and I moved to the side while other students passed by. I can feel people glancing over at me and I couldn’t look up from staring at the floor worrying about what they could be thinking of me. Obviously they'll remember me because I was the new student who had a panic attack and threw up on his first day, but I’m also the freak, the loser, the sick one. I shook my head before turning to Elliot and he already had a concerned expression on his face.

“You're okay. You made it to the door,” he said as if this was an accomplishment.

“And that's not progress because I still need to go inside and sit through the whole period,” I said and I began to run my fingers over the rubber band. “I'm now starting to panic.”

“Alright. So what should we do? Want to go to the restroom? Go back outside?” he asked.

I shook my head, “I have to go inside. If I don’t push myself to go in then I probably won’t handle it later.” I tell him.

“Okay,” he said.

I heard the first bell ring and knew that it meant that there were ten minutes before the late bell so that also meant that I have ten minutes to try to go inside the room. I took a deep breath and began to walk inside with my head down staring at the ground to make sure I don't make any eye contact with anyone. I didn’t need to see everyone staring at me while I'm trying to make my way to my seat and I was also trying to not feel my heart racing against my chest. Elliot followed behind me because I could see his shoes as they moved over to the empty desk on my right and I quickly covered my face as I tried to relax.

“Are you okay?” Elliot asked, quietly.

“Yeah, I'm trying to calm down,” I whispered back, but you can hear the panic in my tone.

“Alright. Just breathe slowly. If you want to run out just tap my desk and I'll follow you. I'll be right behind you.”

I nodded my head as I tried to breathe slowly as he said, but I wasn't too sure if it was helping and I heard the bell ring so I tried to at least listen to the lecture. During the lesson, I was able to calm my breathing and I glanced over at Elliot seeing him writing on his notebook, completely focused. I didn't bother looking around the classroom, afraid that I’ll make eye contact with someone, and I wasn't ready to face people just yet. I only kept my eyes on my notebook and just worked on the assignment, but with the packets, I wasn’t completely caught up. I didn't know what was going on and I guess it meant doing some extra reading to catch up. I sigh as I checked the time before seeing that the bell was going to ring and I made it through without having to rush out or having to call my mom.

I did it. I sat through the first period and I was already exhausted but I still have the rest of the day to go through. I put English on a list of classes that I'm going to need to do extra studying for and it would be a good distraction for me while I try to adjust to my classes. I finally decided to look up from my desk and saw the teacher was writing the homework assignment on the board when the bell rang. A couple of students were already getting up making their way out the door while a few waited for homework instructions to be completely written. I noticed a few students were cautious of me as they passed by and a few were looking at me.

"Well?"

I turn to Elliot, “What?” I was confused.

“It wasn't so bad right?” he asked.

I shook my head as I grabbed my backpack and got up. “But I don't know what I'll do with my other classes…” I said as I mess with the straps on my backpack to distract myself.

“You'll be okay.” He reassured me.

I turn to him and nod, “Thanks.”

We made our way out of the classroom and I knew that Elliot had to go. “Alright. I'll see you later on, okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

Elliot gave me a small smile before he turned around and began to make his way down the hallway then disappeared behind the crowd of people. Once he was out of eyesight I felt a slightly heavy feeling on my chest and I took a deep breath before turning the opposite way to make my way to my second class. I'll be seeing him later; I'll be okay on my own. I told myself this as I looked for my classroom and I found it after a few minutes before the tardy bell rang. Unlike my first period teacher, I looked around to find a seat, and a few people were already looking at me. It wasn't like I needed help, but it was a nice comfortable feeling that I was receiving from the teacher before the bell rang at the end of class.

I slowly reached out to open the door but I saw someone reaching out for it before me and I decided to let them go first just giving enough space so they could leave first. But when I reached out to leave someone pushed me as they reached out for the door too and this person was a bit built around the shoulder, taller than me or even Elliot, and I instantly had a mental note to stay away from him. I was sitting a couple of rows away from him and his attitude reminded me of someone I knew.

“Hurry up, stupid. The door won't open itself,” he said as he made his way out.

I was the last to leave the classroom after seeing him leave and I made my way to the courtyard looking for someplace quiet to sit. It was lunch, but I didn't feel like eating so I went to the library once I figured out how to make my way there and figured that I’d just work on my assignment to pass the time. I wasn't sure where Elliot would be at and I never asked, but I'm sure he would rather be with his friends. I don't want to continue to be a bother. I went back to an empty table, setting my bag on the table and focused on my work. I worked on my English homework when I saw my book be knocked to the floor and I glanced up to see that guy from my last period.

“What's up freak?” He said as he sat on the edge of the table.

I held my breath as I watched him and debated on what to do. “What do you want?" I asked.

“I thought it was only fair to introduce ourselves,” he said and smirked. “Names David and I believe your name is Mike or Miguel?”

“Michael.” I correct him.

“Heard you made a commotion the other day. Is it true that you like, got sick or something?” he asked me and I knew sooner or later someone would come by to ask me.

I didn't want to talk back to him, but I can tell he was waiting for a response. “Yes,” I answered.

I tried not to look at him, but I was also trying to not be so close to him. I ignored my books on the floor because I was scared that he would try to do something if I reached out to them.

“So, you hate being touched? Is that it?” he asked as he reached a handout and I quickly moved my chair back.

“Don't,” I said a little louder than I wanted to and I froze a bit in my seat.

David smiled as he put his hand down, “You know that hurts my feelings. You make it seem like I wanted to hurt you.” he said as he stood up and I watched him from the corner of my eyes.

“I didn't mean to…” I said quietly.

David was about to walk over to me when someone reached out to grab his shoulder and pulled him back. “Everything okay?”

I looked up and saw Elliot; it gave me such a relieving feeling as I saw him.

David looked at Elliot before shrugging off his hand, “Everything's fine.” he answered back.

“Well, you better go then,” he tells him and David slowly started to walk away.

David took a last look over and we made eye contact, but I turned away quickly.

“Thanks…” I said as I moved to pick up the books from the ground.

“No problem. I was trying to figure out where you went off to,” he said as he moved to sit on the chair beside me.

I looked at the books for a second before putting them on the table and I no longer feel like working on my assignment anymore. “He’s kind of…” I said but I didn't know how to finish that sentence.

“Scary? Intimidating?” Elliot asked and sighed as he shrugged his shoulder. “He can be a dick, but don't let him get to you. He just has a bad reputation.”

I nod as I wipe my hands over my pants before turning to Elliot. “Hey, what are you doing after school?" I ask him.

Elliot raised an eyebrow before shrugging his shoulder, “Nothing. Why?”

“Mind if I get a ride home?” I asked him.

“No, it's fine. I can do that,” he answered, smiling.

I don't know why, but being around Elliot has started to give me a comfortable feeling and we’re getting along better compared to our first meeting.

“Thank you,” I said.

The bell rang making me remember that lunch was over and I moved to put my books back in my backpack.

“Well, come on. I’ll walk with you for a bit.” Elliot said as he stood up.

“Yeah,” I said as I got up as well and there was an awkward silence before we made our way out towards the hallway.

Elliot walked beside me for a while before he had to go towards a different direction and I waved at him seeing him disappear. I found my classroom soon after and I sat in the middle back where there was an empty chair. This could be the most difficult class for me since we will be having group projects and lab work. I've never liked science, but I was never that great with group projects and having to do presentations in front of the class. I feel like people are smarter compared to me and I wouldn’t be holding them back from a better grade if I wasn't involved. When class started, the teacher handed me a syllabus list of projects to be expected and of course, we'll be having three group projects for the semester. I sighed as I began to sort out my work and catch up on the lesson that was written on the board.

The next week or two could just be me working on extra work material and possible extra credit if I can't keep up with the lessons. I might have to look for a tutor because of two classes I might struggle with. I couldn't understand the worksheet they handed out. Now that I have all this work, all I want to do is go home and lay down on my bed. Forget about school and make myself forget that I even have homework. Maybe I should consider homeschool just to finish the rest of the school year, but that was just a ridiculous thought. As much as that would be easier on me, I know that it’ll just make me become more antisocial than I’ve already become.

The third period went by so fast, but I never had any issues with any of my classmates and I had no problem with the work. I went to my last class of the day and changed into my gym clothes and looked around once outside; I tried to see where my class would be. I was careful moving around and tried to make sure I wasn't in anyone's way as I figured out if I might have to look for a teacher instead.

“Hey! Michael!” I heard Elliot called out.

I turned around and saw him walking over to me. “Hi,” I said.

“You're okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired.” I answered as I looked around before turning to him. “I'm still not sure where my class is at.”

“Hm, what teacher do you have?” he asks as he looks around the field.

“Cruz,” I tell him.

“You have it easy. Cruz doesn't do much aside from making you run laps then does free-play,” he said before pointing out to the basketball court. “Your class lines up there.”

“And you?”

“I have a separate class. I'm on the volleyball team so our coach put the team in his gym class to give us extra work out when we don't have after school practice,” he tells me.

I nod as I thought about it before turning to him. “How long have you been playing?” I asked.

“Since freshman year,” he answered.

I nod and I wasn't too sure what to say when suddenly the bell rang and we had to part again.

“Alright. I'll see you later.” I said as I started to make my way.

Elliot was right when he said that the teacher was a bit lazy with his lessons because all he had us do was a couple of exercises and let us walk around the track until the bell rings. I watched a couple of people walking ahead of me with their group of friends while the other classes were busy doing drills or playing on the basketball court or playing baseball. I didn't mind the walk since I've never been the athletic type, but what else am I supposed to do besides walk alone or should I even bother trying to join a group when I'm not too welcomed? I sighed as I paused for a bit and looked around the field when I noticed a girl from my class started walking over to me.

“Hello,” she said awkwardly as she came beside me and she looked just as uncomfortable as I felt. “I'm Jennifer. I'm in the same class with you in Ms. Lang, from first-period, and also I’ve been meaning to introduce myself to you.”

“I'm Michael,” I said.

“I only wanted to say that if you need help with anything in our class or anything else, you can always ask me.” She said as we both started walking and she gave me a small smile. “I know Elliot is there to help out, but he can be a little stupid sometimes and acts like he knows everything.”

“You know Elliot?” I asked her.

“Kind of. My brother was on the volleyball team with him before he quit this year so I was able to see him a couple of times during tournaments or home-games,” she answered.

I nod. “Well, thanks for offering your help.”

“It's fine. I know it must be difficult being new and maybe you're confused with the homework or the lessons.” She said. “I usually do group tutoring sessions with a few friends after school which was why I wanted to see if you would like to join us.”

“Oh,” I said as I thought about joining a group of strangers.

"Don't worry. You don't have to come to the group sessions. I can always do private tutoring if you want." she said as she saw my hesitation. “Group sessions are every Tuesday, Wednesday, and we offer sign-ups if people want to meet on Fridays. It's all in the school library since it's open until six.”

I thought about this and I took a deep breath. “I do need a bit of help... I was completely lost in class and you guys are on a different lesson plan compared to my other school.”

She smiled and nodded, “Well, as I said, if you want a private tutor we can set it up. Just come by and we can work out a schedule.” she said.

“Are you charging for these meet-ups?” I asked.

“Oh no. I do it for summer jobs, but I just like to help out and there's a program in the school that I volunteer in," she said. “I just know how hard it is being new in school. My family moved twice in elementary and middle school so I know how difficult it can be.”

I nodded as I turned to her and took a deep breath. “I'll come, but I won't be coming by until maybe next week. I'm still trying to adjust with everything and I'm sure you saw how I was in Ms. Lang class on my first day; plus today.”

Jennifer nods as she brushes her hair behind her ears. “I saw. It was a bit weird. They tried to explain, but it was just something I didn't think was real.”

Hearing her say how weird it is kind of made me look down. “I know. Sorry about that. New environments are just hard to adjust to. I have a problem with people touching me or a certain way people react makes me feel uneasy. It's difficult to explain.”

She nods, frowning slightly. “Seems like it's a burden.”

I opened my mouth but paused for a second before turning to her, “Hey, Jennifer, where do you sit in Ms. Lang’s class?” I asked her.

“In the back; maybe three or four rows behind you,” she answered.

“Mind if I sit with you tomorrow?” I asked her.

She smiled and nodded, “Yeah, I don't mind.” she answered.

We continued on walking for a couple more minutes and Jennifer would comment about the students or about the class to help keep the conversation going. It felt nice that I finally made at least one friend, beside Elliot, and it wasn't something I was expecting. Jennifer seemed like someone who had good intentions. It was nice of her to offer to help when I wasn’t expecting it from anyone in the school; besides the teachers. The bell rang for us to return to the locker room and we both went our own way. I waited a couple of minutes outside the building waiting for there to be less of a crowd inside then quietly changed into my clothes. When I finally came outside I saw Elliot waiting for me and we both began to make our way to the parking lot.

“So, how was class?” he asked.

“It wasn't so bad in the end,” I tell him.

“I saw you were talking to someone earlier,” he comments.

“Yeah, Jennifer. She's in our first period and she offered tutoring sessions after school. She said you know her?” I ask him.

“Oh yeah, I do. She's a nice person. I say go for it, it can help you catch up on the classwork.” he said.

We got inside the car and I set my backpack down. “I was thinking of that. I'm behind on my work so I might have to take up that offer.” I said and sigh. “I'm so tired of today.”

“You're finally going home,” Elliot said and smiled. “But, hey, you made it through the whole day.”

“Yeah, with your help,” I said and turned to him as he started driving out of the school lot. “Mind if we can hang out again? Like outside of school.”

Elliot glanced over at me before focusing on the road and nodded, "Sure. You have something in mind?" he asks.

“I just want to go out more. As I said, I want to do better and that just means I need to step out of my boundaries.” I said as I looked down. “It feels a little embarrassing to say this, but I honestly feel like I can trust you and I’m starting to be comfortable with it.”

Elliot blushed a bit and I heard him chuckle. “You're modest.” He mumbled.

“Sorry. I hope that wasn't embarrassing.” I said and quickly got out of the car once he parked at my house. “We don’t have to if you're busy.”

“It wasn't embarrassing,” Elliot said, calling me back. “I'm glad that you trust me because I was hoping you could. How about Saturday? We'll hang out; go to the movies or go bowling or hang out at the mall.”

I looked at him for a long second before nodding, “Alright. I don't mind any of that. It's been a while since I've done something.”

“Alright. Sounds like a plan.” He said. “I'll see you tomorrow. I can come by and pick you up again if you want.”

“If you don't mind,” I said.

The rest of the week went by much easier with only a few problems that weren't so hard to deal with and my anxiety towards school began to ease. Elliot has been coming by to pick me up every morning and after school, he brings me home; which seemed like a routine for us now. David has also kept his distance in class and I was more relieved by that because I wasn't ready to have a bully messing with me while I'm still adjusting. Jennifer helped me during class when I needed it and I finally decided on taking her offer for the tutoring sessions as well. It would help me catch up in class and not lower my grades and it also helps me be more social.

Saturday finally came, Elliot and I are planning to go out, but we haven't planned on what we are going to do for the day. In a way, I was nervous because I didn't know where we were going or how crowded the place would be or will I have any problems getting around. It's barely ten in the morning and Elliot said he was going to come by at two in the afternoon so I had enough time to get myself ready. I could tell that my mother was worried, but I know she was trying to not show how concerned she was and helped by picking out a shirt for me to wear.

“I really like Elliot. He's such a nice kid.” She said smiling as she tried to comb my hair, but I tried to fix it myself.

“Mom, I can get myself ready. It's not like I'm going on a date or prom.” I told her as I moved to sit on my bed. “And I know he is.”

She smiled as she sat beside me, “You just never went out with your other friends at your old school so I'm just excited for you. It seems like you are adjusting well and it's nice, but I just can't help being worried.” she tells me.

“I know. I feel the same way, but everything has been fine.” I said, trying to reassure her. “Everything is going to progress and they said that I can't always have good days, but that doesn't mean that I'll always have the bad days as well.”

She nods, “Yes, I remember your doctor telling me that.” she mumbled.

“Mom, is it okay that I don't have to come back at nine? I promise that I will be fine and we won't be out too late.” I said and I can tell that she would disagree with my request. “I haven't gone out with friends like this since... since I came to live with you.”

“Honey, I know I sound like I'm babying you, but I just don't want to risk it. I want to trust you, but I can't when I know that you might end up having a panic attack or an episode,” she said frowning. “What if you have an episode as you did in the school bathroom?”

I paused for a second and remembered my reaction from that day. “I know that was bad... I have been fine the whole week though.” I said.

“But that's just been for a week. You haven't gone outside alone for a while and especially on a weekend where there are more people outside,” she said. “I can't protect you out there and Elliot is too young to know what to do if something were to happen.”

I bit my bottom lip for a second before I finally nod, “Okay…” I said, giving in. “I understand.”

“I'm sorry,” she said quietly.

“No, you're right and I shouldn't push myself when I'm not sure if I'm ready,” I said as I reached to grab my shoes to put them on and stood up to walk to the restroom. “I'll be back.”

“Honey…” my mom called.

I closed the door behind me before leaning against the sink taking a deep breath before turning on the faucet to wash my face and I knew she was right, but I also didn't want to feel restricted as well because of my condition while I was already aware of the possibilities of what could happen. Maybe she was right about Elliot not knowing how to control me if I do have an episode or what if he's not around when it happens. I felt a tightness in my chest at these thoughts and now I've become nervous that I wasn't too sure if I should be going out. These thoughts begin to run over in head of the 'if' or 'maybe' and 'what if this happens'. Maybe Mom shouldn’t have said that because I wasn’t thinking about these problems before.

“Michael.”

I turn to the door after hearing my mom call me. “Yeah?” I mumbled quietly.

“Are you okay? You've been in there for ten minutes,” she asked.

I glanced at myself in the mirror before taking a deep breath. “I'm fine,” I said and walked over to open the door. “I'm okay.”

“I didn't mean to upset you,” she said as she reached out to hug me.

“I know, mom,” I said and turned to her. “I guess I was too excited that I wasn't being realistic.”

It was quiet for a second before I turned to her and gave her a smile. “I should start heading outside,” I said, giving her a kiss on her cheek and making my way back to my room.

“Here,” she began to reach for her wallet.

“It's okay, mom. I still have money.” I said as I grabbed my jacket.

“Are you sure?" she asks.

“Yeah, Dad did a transfer two days ago so I'm good,” I told her and we both walked over to the door. “Okay, I'm leaving.”

“Michael.”

I turn to her after opening the door, “Yeah?”

“Be back by ten-thirty,” she said after taking a deep breath. “Not midnight, not eleven or eleven-thirty.”

I smiled, “Okay. Thank you.” I said and she closed the door behind me as I made my way to the sidewalk to wait.

Elliot came by after a couple of minutes and I finally sat beside him in the passenger seat in his car turning to him, “So where are we going?” I asked him.

“Well, for now, I was thinking of the movies. Is that fine?” he asked as he sat back in his seat wating until we were ready to head out.

“I don't mind the movies,” I answered.

“It's two in the afternoon so the theater is empty compared to the night,” he said as he finally set his car to drive.

I nod, “That's fine with me. I wasn't too sure what to expect, but I'm fine with that and I actually like going to the movie theater. ”

“Well, I had a hard time trying to think of things to do. Things are a bit of a drive around here, depending on where you want to go, so I tried to figure out what was close by,” he said and it didn't take so long for us to arrive at the theater.

I wasn't expecting too much at the movies after arriving. We bought tickets to see a new release action film, went in line to buy some popcorn and drinks, then made our way to find our seats. The movie was so good that I almost forgot how nervous I was and simply enjoyed the film. The movie lasts almost two hours and we started making our way out as we talked excitedly about the movie. It’s been a while since I could talk about films and shared my favorite scenes that I forgot how normal this is supposed to be. We went back to the car and once again we were on the road to a new direction.

“So, where next?” I asked, curiously.

“Um, I was thinking of the pier. There’s a good restaurant where we can eat and it’s always been one of my favorite places to go to.” He tells me.

I nod, “Alright.”

“So, do you miss your other school?” He asks me.

“Not really. I liked my old school and I had some friends, but I think I was only making myself comfortable enough to only tolerate it.” I tell him. “Like, I was told to be friends with everyone but I can tell they didn't like me too much or they were forced to talk to me only because of my condition. Honestly, that’s what I thought of you when you told me that they wanted you to be with me in Ms. Lang’s class; besides you being a student aid for your elective and assisting the students.”

“Yeah, I can understand that,” he said, thoughtfully.

“I can say I did have some close friends, but I doubt they’ll contact me again,” I tell him.

“Why?”

“Come on, I’m not that fun of a person,” I said.

“I think you are. You're a lot kinder compared to all the guys at the school.” He said and chuckled. “Kinder compared to David.”

I smiled, “I think anyone is nice compared to David.”

We laughed and within a couple of minutes, we finally arrived at the beach. I watched the waves for a bit, mesmerized, before following Elliot to the path leading up to the pier. There was a cool breeze, you can taste the sea salt in the air, and the sun was over our heads. We were quiet as we walked but it wasn’t that uncomfortable feeling anymore and we both seemed to be enjoying the small walk. We finally came to the pier and it was a bit crowded, but I took a deep breath as I followed Elliot trying not to let myself overthink.

Crowds weren’t always so difficult, but I didn’t like the discomfort of bumping into people or the crowd growing because it gives me that suffocating feeling like they are closing in on me. I wouldn’t be able to move like I’m frozen. People would end up staring at me with an expression of annoyance and I wind up being a fish out of water having a hard time trying to breathe. I paused for a bit as I took a deep breath trying to not let myself panic and I couldn’t call out to Elliot to wait for me since he was walking ahead of me. My mind was so overwhelmed that I had to step aside a bit and reach for the rubber band on my wrist and start to play with it for a distraction. I need something to help settle my mind.

“Michael?” I can hear Elliot calling for me, but I turned away from him and tried to focus on my breathing.

“Michael,” I heard my name closer this time when I felt his hands touch my shoulder. “Hey, I thought I lost you.”

“Give me a second,” I said quietly as I turned away from him to closed my eyes.

Why do I want to go home and be back in my room where it’s always a comfort to me rather than having to be here right now. Maybe my mom was right and I just wasn’t ready to go out, but will I ever be? I finally turn to Elliot after a couple of minutes has passed and I see him handing me a cold water bottle that just suddenly appeared in his hand. Did he leave to buy it for me? I took a small sip feeling the cool water and it helped clear my mind. I looked down feeling a little embarrassed as I held onto the bottle.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a quiet voice.

“It’s okay. Are you feeling better?” He asked.

I shook my head and tried to clear my mind of these overwhelming thoughts. “I don’t know what happened. I just freaked out and I started having a panic attack and-“ I quickly tried to explain.

“Michael, it’s fine. Just breathe.” He said with a bit of a worried expression.

I pressed my lips together before taking another sip from the water bottle and we stayed quiet for a minute while I tried to collect myself.

“What do you want to do?” He asked me.

“I’m fine,” I tell him. “Let’s just keep going.”

Elliot nodded as we started walking, but Elliot stayed beside me and he led me towards the restaurant he was talking about. We took a seat in a booth that overlooked both the ocean and the beach and we both stayed quiet as we looked at the menu they handed us. The menu was mostly seafood and I didn’t mind it because I always liked a few seafood items. He put his menu down as if he already knew what to order and glanced a look at me.

“Are you hungry?” Elliot asked, breaking the silence.

I took a deep breath trying to compose myself and nodded, “Yeah, I can eat.”

He nods as a server came to our table and asked the type of drinks we wanted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

I turned away, distracting myself by looking at the ocean, and tried to find the words. “I got scared. I started thinking and it got over my head that I just started freaking out.”

“What scared you?”

“Everything,” I answered and I didn’t say anything for a second then I turned to him. “I felt so suffocated when we were walking and I hate how it feels when people shove past you in both ways. I started to feel like everything was closing in on me. I wanted to go home. In my mind, I felt stupid for coming out and that I wasn’t ready for this. I felt like everyone was looking at me and I had a hard time breathing.”

I tried to explain without rushing myself.

“I hate that I can be fine for a minute and the next my mind tries to think of a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t leave my house.”

Elliot didn’t say anything after I finished talking and the server came by to our table again to leave us our drinks.

I watched her walk away and I reached for my cup to take a sip.

“I didn’t know that’s how it feels...” He said.

“It’s not the same for everyone. I’m kind of mad at myself that that happened.” I said and turned to him. “I mean, I should have expected something like this to happen but I was only hoping that it wouldn’t.”

“Hey, don't put yourself down like that,” Elliot tells me. “I know I don't have a true understanding of all of this that you go through, but if that ever happens when I'm around then just call me instead of running away. I thought I lost you for a second and I panicked too.”

“I'm sorry.”

“No, I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty. I just meant that you can come to me instead of hiding away. It might not be safe for you if you go somewhere that could be dangerous.” He said.

I thought about this for a second before nodding. “Okay,” I said, glancing over at him. “Thanks.”

“My mom was worried about me coming out today... She was worried about you not knowing what to do if something like that happened and you handled it well then we both expected, but I've also had it worse than that.” I said.

Elliot nodded as he ran his hand over the top of his head. “I don't blame her. I was worried as well, but I know you didn't want to bring it up or think about it.” He said. “I was trying to find places that you wouldn't have to worry about and guessing what you’d be comfortable with, but that doesn't mean it'll always be bad.”

I sat back in my seat and looked over at the ocean as I was thinking about everything before I turned to him. “I like quiet places, but I also want to try new places that I've never been to. I want to go out hiking and go swimming during the summer. I hate crowds, I can't handle roller-coasters, and I wish I could go to a concert but I don't go because of how crowded it gets.” I tell him.

“Well, I like hiking and swimming too. Concerts are fun, but I hate the crowd too. People are shoulder to shoulder and it gets hot... It's gross.” he said. “I love to cook, but sometimes I'm too lazy to make myself food, unless it's for family. I also want to travel. Getting the chance to go around the world; see things that are different or things that we don't have here."

“I wish I could travel,” I mumbled.

“You should consider it later on after high school. I've gone to a few places with my family and I’ve always enjoyed them. I say, make a list of things to do or places to see, wherever you go, and make sure that someday you can cross them off.” he said.

“Someday, maybe,” I said and the server came by our table to leave us our food.

“Come on, let's eat so we can try to walk around before it gets late,” Elliot said and we both started to eat our meal.